It is done. Over. Personal me is no longer on Facebook. I will admit I am now only using it as a tool to connect to blog readers that are on Facebook and want to keep up on my blog.
Why did we break up?
I’m working on getting out of the comparison game. Of not focusing on the path that other’s have chosen, and instead, creating my own path. Facebook is a platform for sharing AND comparing. It is a distraction for me. It is the water cooler gossip that is eating up time I could be writing. It is the window on to other people’s lives that reflects back what you’re missing. Or rather, it is the window people want you to see. People don’t post about their credit card bills, fights with their spouse or being uninspired by their job. When they do we quickly remove them from our feed for over sharing.
I feel like I’ve made a major inroads on letting go of what other’s think. Facebook hasn’t helped me with that. Every time I log in I take a step back.
I want to be connected to people, but I don’t want to be compared. I want to know how a friend’s life is going, not how their personal profile is being developed out or who they’ve friended or where they’re shopping.
Facebook is easy prey for our insecurities. Am I doing the right thing by getting out of the corporate world? Am I really okay with being single? Should I be stressed that I haven’t had kids yet? It reminds me of the Chris Guillebeau‘s argument that as kids our parents tell us not to follow the crowd (do drugs, jump off bridges) and as adults we’re constantly told we need to follow the crowd (have kids, work at jobs we don’t like, buy houses). Facebook, to me, feels a lot like following the crowd.
Maybe I’m selfish but I feel happier with my life when I’m focused on myself and the people that add to my life being great. My world is not enriched by knowing that an old acquaintance is dining at the Four Seasons or someone I went to high school with is buying a vacation property.
As socially awkward as I am, I get a lot out of one-on-one or small group interaction. Of seeing the animation in a friend as they talk about their new job, hearing the excitement and nervousness of them falling in love. Sensing the anxiety of someone making a major life change. I don’t get this out of status updates.
I realise Facebook is now the phone book of the world but I’m sure anyone I know is savvy enough to Google my name if they can’t find me. I’m still on LinkedIn and Google will lead them to this blog and an email address to contact me.
Facebook has made me feel more disconnected than connected. Window shopping on other’s lives is not the same as having a personal interaction with them.
A few of my good friends have never been on Facebook. They’re people I respect for many reasons and their hesitation over joining had always made me pause. One friend admitted she couldn’t join because she knew she would spend all of her time stalking ex-boyfriends and feeling like crap about herself. This is the kind of self awareness we all need to have.
Maybe you’re so secure that Facebook is an entertaining 15 minutes to your day that leaves you feeling caught up. You’re probably one of those people that can have a box of cookies in the house and not eat the whole box in two days.
I think the majority of us, if tested, would have lower self esteem after 15 minutes on Facebook than before we logged on. So I’m taking back those 15 minutes to focus on myself. To get inspired and engaged in my own life. To connect with people in-person rather than in a virtual world that was more distracting than engaging.
I am sure I will miss out on a few friend’s major life events but if we’re great friends in real life, I’m sure I’ll get a phone call or at least an email since I missed the status update.
Are you a Facebook user? What do you get out of it?
Yay for no Facebook! I really hate the idea of the site, such a superficial and awful way of communicating.
I finally joined last year because my class reunion was being planned through it. I still have an account but only log in when I have a reason (hardly ever), not just to browse.
Occasionally I’ll post a few baby pics because my extended family who don’t get to see her really like it, so it’s nice for that. Face recognition and tagging is super creepy though!
Yes, face recognition and tagging is creepy. I may have deleted my account but I know a lot of friends have photos of me on there.
Katie, I LOVE this post. I never thought about this before, but you are so right – I used to go to facebook to get a glimpse of other people’s lives, and they always seem much more glamorous and perfect than my own life… Really, the only positive aspect I got out of facebook was reconnecting with old friends. I’ve recently created a facebook page for one of my blogs and I like to share cool links (I don’t use twitter). But spending time browsing pictures and checking status updates or even comparing the number of “friends”, that’s no longer for me… I recently made a conscious decision of becoming minimalist (I was already pretty organized and my house uncluttered), and now I’m purging and decluttering everything around me – including my online presence. I’m not ready to quit facebook, but now I use it mostly to share links and promote my blogs. No more looking at glamorous pictures that only tell a side of the story… If I want to look at good pictures, I go flickr…
Great post! xoxo Rita
I think I’m going to miss out on the reconnecting with old friends but I really need to connect with more people in real life. No more relationships that are just via email.
Good for you for decluttering your online presence. I hadn’t thought of that before. Thanks for the idea.
“No more relationships that are just via email.” Wait, are you breaking up with me, too?
I should have clarified that one. I’m still good friends with people that aren’t in my geographic vicinity but who once were. Email and skype are how I keep in touch with these people. Hopefully I’ll manage a visit one day soon. I’m debating over December in Thailand. Interested?
Oh, it’s Katy, not Katie – sorry! Portuguese girl here!
I have been on Facebook for 5 years, and I am finding it less and less interesting, to be honest. I used to love going on FB and seeing photos of friends babies and kids, and seeing what adventures people were taking, or what places people are visiting. But it seems as though either FB has gotten really boring, or with recent changes I’m not seeing as many updates as I used to. Weird. Anyway, all I’ve really gotten out of FB (other than keeping in touch with some friends from high school) was a high school reunion. I’ve stopped posting photos of my kids or family on FB because I feel it’s gotten a bit creepy.
Your comment, “Facebook is easy prey for our insecurities” struck a chord. Consider why you feel the need to compare yourself to others at all, whether it’s on FB or anywhere else in your life. Everyone is walking their own path in life, some are bound to be much more dramatically different than others. I operate on the assumption that it’s all good. Good for you for quitting Facebook, I don’t think you’ll miss much.
‘Consider why you feel the need to compare yourself to others at all, whether it’s on FB or anywhere else in your life.’
I’ve been working on this a lot and found Facebook is more like a trigger. Not consciously, but subconsciously. I grew up in a very competitive environment and I think this is the norm in North America; focus on getting to the top of the heap.
I’ve taken myself out of the game over the last year but it doesn’t mean I’m immune to seeing it or wondering if I should be a part of it again. Doubt is a normal part of any transition.
Helped to get off Facebook that it seemed to be really boring. Not sure what happened but I think many of us were loosing interest around the same time.
Thanks for commenting.
My teenage son got me onto FB. Now that he’s living with his dad it gives me one more way to connect. This is by no means the only way we connect, it’s one more way.
The comparison issue is something I didn’t contentiously think about but I do agree with your assessment.
I’m using FB less and less and notice that I’m not the only one making this shift. Mostly I’m using FB to ‘chat’ with my son, share my blog posts and as a tool for activism.
I notice that since I’ve cut back on my FB usage I’m reading more, spending more time on the beach hiking and doing things I enjoy.
I like the idea of a ‘media fast’ once a week or even daily. Your post has inspired me to do a daily and weekly ‘fast’.
Thanks for bringing the awareness up for us Katy!
Last night I closed my laptop and just read for an hour. It was like a treat. I need to do that more often. My goal is 15 minutes a day of connecting with friends in person or over skype, and an hour of digital free time. Need to turn my phone off. I can get sucked into texting conversations easily.
I so totally agree with this post. However, there are still friends that I don’t connect with in any other venue. So I went the other route and basically defriended all the people whose lives I found I was feeling envious of or was tired of hearing about. What I noticed was that these were not my close friends. These were old high school class mates or people I had lost touch with long ago or friends of friends who I didn’t really know. So my small contingent is now more than enough. A couple of friends with smart alec-y things to say once in a while and family. Inspite of all this I am still considering chucking it all. I should make the time to really connect with the people I care about. Thanks for the kick in the pants.
I culled at one point and my newsfeed went way down. There are people on there that I would have liked to hear more from but I think by getting off of it I’m hopefully going to make an effort to connect with those people more in person.
I’ve been reassessing the Facebook membership recently as well. I’ve already closed down a lot of friends who post things that I am not interested in.
I do like being in touch with people in my past (and my family) that I would not be in contact in any other way (or that wouldn’t have found me) so I am a little reluctant to shut it down completely.
And I have been thinking about a blog instead because one of the things that has happened with Facebook is that people are asking to have their posts disabled and one of the things that I have enjoyed is the expansion of the network – seeing what/who my friends are connected to and why.
We live in a global village (electronically) but we really cannot sustain very many personal relationships. It is nice to know that someone I worked with two years ago is getting married or has had a baby but I’m so far away now.
It will be very interesting to see the evolution of this.
I feel like there is already a backlash going on with people wanting to be connected more in-person and less online. I like that social media allows me to interact with people I wouldn’t bump into on the street but I think, like most things, we haven’t found the balance on use.
Thanks for the comment!
I’ve considered quitting Facebook for several months, but I’m afraid I will miss something
Seriously, I have minimize my friends to get rid of the “noise”. In the beginning, everyone was my “friend”. Now only my friends are my friends. I especially enjoy getting the local news and weather updates through Facebook. We have a lot of tornados in our area and we were once without power for 4 days. So, having that connection through Facebook was a lifesaver. But, I definitely see your point.
I think if you can use it for only ‘good’ (information and catching up with friends) than it is a great tool. I found I used it as procrastination and distraction. I wasn’t getting anything out of it and it wasn’t a good focus.
I just broke up with Facesuck myself. I was googling to see who else might be rebelling against the behemoth and I found your lovely piece. I decided Facebook kills creativity. I suddenly have oxygen to breath and an amazing amount of time and head space! I am thinking about developing ideas beyond the 30 second 260 word box…
I think we’re starting a trend…a very small trend but the backlash is there.
Feeling more creative already. That news feed was rather hypnotic and mind numbing.
Kudos for being honest about how FB affects you. I have mixed feelings about the site, myself, and have found myself interacting less with my friends there, uploading less pictures (I can post on Picasa and email friends and family), etc. The voyeuristic aspect can definitely be heinous, but I have noticed one plus to the seeming superficiality of it:
Before I would post a kvetch, or otherwise negative status, I would stop and think about how this would reflect on me, how it might impact other people, and if it was what I wanted to put out in the world. Was it how I wanted to represent myself?
I think that if everyone shared more judiciously in real life, it would be a good thing. I have a couple of good friends who hear my venting or discussion of personal issues, but the vast majority of people I know are not privy to that level of personal info.
Oh, and I am that person who can have a box of cookies in my house and not eat it. Don’t hate.
I think there is a balance between complaining updates and bragging updates on Facebook. Most people haven’t found it. That you actually paused to think of how negative updates reflected on you shows that you’re aware that Facebook is your own personal promotional tool. It is not your confidant.
I’m trying to share more real life concerns with people, and less superficial. Like not pretending I have life figured out or that everything is perfect, but not being Debbie Downer all the time either. Balance. Like the balance needed to have cookies in the house and not eat them. I don’t hate, I’m impressed.
Great article. I quite Facebook about 5 months ago and never looked back.
Facebook essentially gives you the emotional sense that you’re doing something worthwhile (i.e. connecting with people), but when you step back and look at your actions and results from a more objective perspective, it becomes clear that you’re really just spinning your wheels. You can call it social networking, but it’s not really a social experience if you’re actually alone sitting at a computer. Real socialization is face to face.
So glad I don’t use it any more… I suddenly have a lot more time for many more important things.
Yes, Facebook is quite misleading. Socializing on my computer only ever involves skype. Twitter and Facebook are more like promotional tools.
Thanks for the comment.
I just deleted my Facebook account this weekend. I found it irrelevant and a waste. My friends now need to either e-mail me, phone, or text. Now that I’ve deleted it, I feel that I can get some homework assignments done! I must say, it was rather addicting and irritating all at once. I’m glad to be off.
So true. It is like a car accident you can’t help gawking at.
Congrats on deleting your account!
I just blogged about my Facebook breakup as well! Lower self-esteem was definitely a contributing factor, it just clogged up my day. Congrats for taking the step.
Here’s my post
Great post! The real example of a baby poop update making your news feed is reinforcing why it was time to quit.
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I kept meaning to tell you that this post was wonderful. It gave me such a sense of relief. You articulated what I feel, but never was able to say. Sometimes, it is this comparison and it knocks you down. Now, I use facebook mostly for a way to relay information or advertise my blog, but I just don’t allow myself to sit there and lament because like you said, it only shows you what people want you to see.
Thanks! I am missing the updates from home a bit now that I’m so far away but I am not missing the time suck or the comparison game. It is like TV; real life is so much better.