Apologies to some of my readers that already received this post via email. Scheduling technical issue.
When I broke up with some of my assumptions I went on some interesting dates. One of them was with cat guy. Cat guy was 5’10. Two inches shorter than me. He was the first shorter guy I went on a date with.
Did I learn from our dates that I could be in a long-term relationship with someone 5’10? Sure. The height thing wasn’t an issue. The issue was the cats.
I’m trying to be less judgemental so when cat guy tells me he has two cats I didn’t look horrified, I just nodded along. He got into a bit of detail about how he rescued one from a household where it was being terrorized by dogs. This seems sweet in theory but the way he told it there was an air of vigilantism that turned me off. I quickly moved on to other subjects.
After date #1 I was excited. We had a similar outlook on life and he was interested in some activities that I wanted to know more about. He was an entrepreneur. He’d left a lucrative career to pursue his passion. This was interesting and attractive.
We setup date #2.
Before date #2 one of his cats got sick. He emailed to explain and it all sounded complicated. I told him to get in touch with me when he was free and that I wished him well with the cat situation.
A week or so later he sets up a last minute date and I agree.
Date #2 might be the worst date I’ve been on. The guy looked haggard. He scarfed back some food while I had a drink. He went on at length about his cat and the extreme measures and costs he was taking to keep it alive. IVs, special food, watching it 24/7 and an expensive surgery. And he wasn’t sure it was going to pull through.
I paid for his dinner. I felt bad for him. But I also felt really guilty.
The whole time he talked about the cat I kept thinking ‘you sound crazy‘. Hearing him talk about the cat was really unattractive. I grew up with cats. I had to put one of them down and I cried hysterically. I was 21. It sucked.
But this guy was talking about the cat like it was his grandma.
Yes, I am not a pet person. I don’t kick puppies or swerve to run over racoons but I get third party embarrassment when people talk to their pets like they’re human. Sure, I cried when we lost cats/rabbits/birds in my youth. I’m not heartless. I just have perspective. I’m more like Penelope Trunk having to make tough decisions based on practicality rather than sentiment.
When I was younger I thought finding a great match meant finding someone that shared all of your interests. Lately I’m realizing it is more about sharing most of your values and a few of your interests. I’ve accepted that most men have one of two obsessions/interests I think are lame; science fiction or professional sports. I’ll take one or the other but prefer if they aren’t into both. That is a lot of hours of something I can’t share in. And truth be told I’d prefer the sci-fi over the professional sports since men yelling at TV screens is a huge turn off. Sure, I jumped on the bandwagon as a Canucks fan for the end of the season but it was more out of it being fun and social than my mood being tied to an event I can’t control. I like sports but committing to a season of sitting in front of the TV watching other people do them is not my idea of a fun time.
Cat guy bombed date #2. It wasn’t just the cat, there were other downer stories revealed that made me question his mental health. I went for date #3 to see if he was just having an off day but it was mediocre at best. He tried to flirt and I wasn’t feeling it. Neither one of us contacted the other after.
Would I date someone with pets? Maybe. It would have to be a great fit in other areas. I remember being happy when I left home for university and finally didn’t have to check every outfit for cat hair before going out. The thought of a shedding animal in my home doesn’t bring me joy, it makes me cringe. But if the pet was attached to the right guy I’m sure I would cringe a little less.
I try to remind myself when dating that a few of my obsessions seem lame if they’re not shared. I spend a lot of hours writing a blog that doesn’t bring me any income or further my professional career. To someone else this might look like a lame obsession. I’m okay with that.
Penelope Trunk had almost 150 comments on her post about having to put her cat down. She responded with this post about repulsion and diversity. Near the end of the post she mentions relationships and pets.
…I still hate cat people.
Sorry but it’s the truth. People who treat animals like humans are people who cannot cope with complexities of human relationships. People who think their cat gives them what they need for companionship are probably right, because they are so underdeveloped emotionally. - Penelope Trunk
Harsh. I have friends that are crazy about their pets and, while I don’t share their sentiments, I know most of them can have mature adult relationships as well. That said, I think the pet obsessed use the relationship as an outlet for wanting to express love and affection that they can’t or don’t get in their human relationships. I often see people without children treating their pets like children. The human to pet relationship is simple. I understand this. I get a lot out of my simple relationship with my nephew that is under 2. He can say my name, smile at me and give me a hug. When we hangout he is dependent on me to feed him, change him and steer him away from trouble. It isn’t a complex relationship. It feels good to be needed and loved so simply. When he is 7 or 17 I will miss this form of our relationship but I will enjoy even more the complexity that comes with a relationship with a person that can express their thoughts and emotions.
What freaked me out about cat guy was that it was apparent the cats were such a significant relationship that they had become a crutch and distraction from forming adult relationships. He was holding on to them tightly, too tightly. If your primary and most rewarding relationship is with someone that you will never be able to have a conversation with, you likely won’t enjoy how much I like to talk.
GREAT post! I especially like: “When I was younger I thought finding a great match meant finding someone that shared all of your interests. Lately I’m realizing it is more about sharing most of your values and a few of your interests.”
I’m an animal activist married to a hunter but the basis for our relationship was strong shared values. He hasn’t hunted since we met over 7 years ago but he hasn’t given up hunting. He took on my cat family (I rescued cats when we met) with vigor and compassion and was an equal partner in trapping cats to spay/neuter them. We had/have a great relationship and because he wanted to be around me and appreciated my passion he not only supported me but joined me in my quest to help cats. I’ve since stopped TNR because of life changes but we have two older cats that live with us. My husband gives them much more attention than I do but if they were gone tomorrow I doubt he would mourn their passing.
The cats were never an “interest” for me but more of a compassionate response to a sad circumstance (long story) they suffered. My husband was attracted to my commitment to the cats. I believe he saw my level of devotion to the cats and to my son and desired to have that devotion directed to him as well (which he has experienced in our life together).
Ruling out all ‘cat guys’ may eliminate a devoted, loving partner. Just a thought . . .
‘but if they were gone tomorrow I doubt he would mourn their passing.’
That is the key difference. I can appreciate animals but I’m not attached to them (other than the cats I grew up with).
Great that he supports and appreciates your passion. I’m not eliminating guys with pets but my radar is on for anyone that is using them as a replacement for relationships with people.
I’m in agreement – people think I’m such a bitch when I voice my dislike for dogs. I’m totally dumbfounded over how people compare their dogs to kids and basically plan their whole lives around dogs, and spend tons of money on them.
At least cats you can leave home by themselves for a weekend and they don’t require constant attention for potty breaks, walks, etc…
Agreed. I’ve only met a couple of dog people that understand why some people aren’t dog people.
removing you from my bookmarks.
Sorry to see you go. Best of luck!
Crying tears of laughter right now
I didn’t look horrified, I just nodded along.
Before date #2 one of his cats got sick. He emailed to explain and it all sounded complicated. I told him to get in touch with me when he was free and that I wished him well with the cat situation.
A week or so later he sets up a last minute date and I agree.
Date #2 might be the worst date I’ve been on. The guy looked haggard. He scarfed back some food while I had a drink. He went on at length about his cat and the extreme measures and costs he was taking to keep it alive. IVs, special food, watching it 24/7 and an expensive surgery. And he wasn’t sure it was going to pull through.
I am the same way. I am not an animal person but I understand fully that people connect very deeply with them and even prefer them to humans.
I personally, just don’t get it and being highly allergic to them is a fantastic (legit) excuse to not date anyone who has any pets.
Welcome back! I think you nailed it; I’m not an animal person but I get that people connect with them. I just don’t have a lot of patience with people that connect more with pets than humans.
I’m now allergic to cats, even though I grew up with them, but I prefer their benign presences over the intrusive nature of dogs. I still pet dogs, appreciate how cute they can be and sigh at puppies. I just don’t feel the need to own one. I some people feel about children the way I feel about dogs; they can appreciate why people have them but they don’t feel the urge themselves.
Skye say’s you’re off her Christmas card list, but I stuck up for you.
I appreciate her, even if I don’t want one of my own. Kind of like how I appreciate people with cars that drive me places even if I don’t feel the need to own a car myself.
woof
I need to know if cat guy was a chef… If he isn’t, guys with cats may be relegated to my “no fly zone”.
I don’t personally know anyone using animals as a ‘replacement’ for relationships but I do know people who may use animals as a ‘crutch’ for their fears and emotions. I think I used to be one of those people.
One of our cats is dying. She is about 13 years-old and was diagnosed with hyperthyroid several months ago. I’ve run the gambit of blood tests and meds and she keeps losing weight and is uninterested in eating. She’s gone from her ideal weigh of 8.5 lbs. to 5.5 lbs. I’m now giving her water and coconut oil (for her body to use as energy to slow the weight loss) in addition to custom compounded meds. I let her outside because that’s what she wants. I’ve cried about her condition on more than one occasion. I’m attached, I can’t help myself. Friends and some vets have told me not to let my cat outside. But who does that serve? Not my cat. She’s happiest when she’s out in the field hunting or lying in the sun.
I’m not so dissimilar in my parenting or in my marriage. Of course when my son was little (he’s now 15 years-old) he had age-appropriate boundaries. I’ve gone through a HUGE learning curve regarding attachment with my son and husband. I’ve learned to love and to let-go. Parenting is a continual process of letting-go. I’ve learned that I can still love deeply and stay committed and let-go of my ‘attachment’ to the outcome.
I like who I am better now that I’ve learned to ‘let go’ and love. I still feel ‘attachment’ but I choose relationship first and foremost over my attachment over the outcomes.
[...] a relationship and that he was more of a lone wolf/bachelor. There were claims that he got enough companionship out of his dog. I silently eye [...]